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The Wonder Years - Episode 1:

(no title) or 'The Wonder Years'

Two of the flower girls are allergic to tuberoses so they can't be in their baskets or they'll die. LORELAI No tuberoses. I'll take care of it. Now, you need to go up to your room, relax, unpack, and I'll send a masseuse up to take care of you. LANGWORTHY You're a dear.

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Written by Neal Marlens and Carol Black
Transcribed by Shayne Lennox and Kyle Gittins
Edited and corrected by Peter Reynders

OPENING SEQUENCE

Scenes from the 1960's flash past.

NARRATOR: 1968, I was twelve years old.A lot happened that year. Dennis McLain won 31 games, The Mod Squad hitthe air, and I graduated from Hillcrest Elementary and entered junior highschool...but we'll get to that. There's no pretty way to put this: I grewup in the suburbs. I guess most people think of the suburb as a place withall the disadvantages of the city, and none of the advantages of the country,and vice versa. But, in a way, those really were the wonder years for usthere in the suburbs. It was kind of a golden age for kids.

EXT. DAY. RESIDENTIAL STREET.

[KEVIN, his brother WAYNE, and other kids play footballon a suburban street. Camera settles on KEVIN as he comes to theline of scrimmage.]

NARRATOR: There, that's me. Kevin Arnold,1968, the summer before junior high school. And I don't mind saying I wasa pretty fair little athlete.

[KEVIN drops a pass and the other kids laugh. The ball headstoward WINNIE, who picks it up. KEVIN and WINNIE approacheach other.]

WINNIE [sympathetically]: It was a pretty hardpass.

KEVIN: Well, yeah, I think it had sort of a reverse-spin on it...

[Shot of WAYNE in street.]

WAYNE: Come on Kevin, stop gabbing with your girlfriend.

[KEVIN takes the ball, and walks toward the camera. Camerastays on WINNIE as she watches him trot off.]

KEVIN: She's not my girlfriend!

[WINNIE crosses her arms and looks hurt.]

[KEVIN, with the football, walks back toward the othersto continue play.]

NARRATOR: This was true, Winnie Cooperwas not my girlfriend. When we were very little we used to go down to Harper'sWoods and catch fireflies but we really hadn't hung out at all togethersince we were about nine.

WAYNE: Uh-oh, think girlfriend's mad at you? Maybe you'd bettergo give her a big French kiss.

KEVIN: Shut up, Wayne!

WAYNE: Hey girls, come on over here. Kevin's gonna show you whata French kiss is.

KEVIN: Buttface.

WAYNE: What did you say?

KEVIN: Nothing.

[WAYNE pushes KEVIN over and pounds KEVIN'S shoulderwith his fist.]

NARRATOR: This is the way most of my conversationswith my brother Wayne ended. Apparently he just deeply regretted the factthat I had been born, and he wanted me to feel the same way.

PAUL: Come on Wayne, let him up!

[PAUL tries to pull WAYNE away from KEVIN.]

WAYNE: I'm sorry Paul, this is a family matter. [WAYNEresumes pounding KEVIN.]

NARRATOR: That was my best friend, PaulPfeiffer. Paul was allergic to everything. Wayne used to say hewas even allergic to his own snot. Wayne was a really funny guy.

BRIAN[yelling]: Hey Wayne, knock it off beforeI do the same thing to you.

NARRATOR: Winnie's brother, Brian Cooper.He was nineteen and for us he defined 'cool'. [BRIAN standsnear his car and lights a cigarette. WINNIE moves next to him.]Hehad this really great '59 El Camino, didn't run of course, but he was alwaysout there working on it, sweaty, grease all over his hands...what a guy.That June he got drafted and packed off to Vietnam. But his car was stillout front up on blocks as kind of a reminder of who really ran things onour street.

INT. DAY. ARNOLD HOUSE.

[KEVIN and PAUL enter the kitchen. PAUL is limpingand KEVIN is supporting him. PAUL sits on the counter asKEVINlooks in the refridgerator. NORMA is in another room.]

KEVIN [loudly]: Mom, can Paul stay for dinner?

NORMA [V/O]: Sure, if his mom knows.

PAUL: What are you having?

KEVIN: What are we having?

NORMA [V/O]: Meat loaf.

PAUL: I'm allergic to it.

KEVIN: What else?

NORMA [V/O]: Salad.

[PAUL shakes his head.]

INT. EVENING. ARNOLD HOUSE.

[Shot of stack of white bread. Camera shot widens to show KEVIN,PAUL and WAYNE sitting at the table and having dinner. Scenesfrom the Vietnam War can be seen on the TV. NORMA is fussing aboutin the kitchen.]

KEVIN: When's dad coming home?

NORMA: Any minute. And between the traffic and his job he's liableto be very tense so let's not make him crazy.

KEVIN: He's always tense.

NORMA: That's true. He's always tense but he's not crazy yetso let's try to maintain that sense of equilibrium.

[JACK enters through the kitchen door, walking throughinto another room.]

NORMA: Hi hon. How's traffic?

JACK: Traffic's traffic.

NARRATOR: Dad had a Spartan sense of language.

[KAREN enters.]

NORMA: Karen, honey, you said you were gonna come home earlyand help me with dinner.

KAREN: Peace mom, okay? [Gestures.]

NORMA: Peace is fine, but you said you were gonna help me withdinner.

KAREN: You have so much bad karma in your life, you know thatmom? I'd be careful if I were you.

NORMA: Thank you, I'll keep an eye out. In the meantime, whenyour father gets back try not to make him crazy.

[JACK re-enters kitchen, takes drink from Norma and sits down atthe kitchen table. He takes a sip, then turns toward PAUL.]

JACK: Hi, Paul.

[PAUL waves his bread at JACK.]

NARRATOR: Dad always said 'hi' to our friends,but it was like he had this understanding with the family - he worked hardfor us, he provided for us, and he certainly didn't want to have to talkto us on top of that.

[Shots of individuals.]

NARRATOR: My approach was to not make anysudden moves or sounds until he'd finished that first vodka tonic and hopethat nobody else did anything that might upset him too much before then.

(Editor's comment: The following scene in red was deleted in somereruns for obvious reasons and to make time for commercials)

KAREN: I'm gonna get some birth-controlpills. I thought you should know..

[Sound of tea-pot whistle starting. Shot ofJACK.]

[Shot of whole group as JACKbangs the table with his fist.]

JACK: I did'nt hear what I just heard.

[Everybody starts arguing and KEVINstarts laughing.] [Joni Mitchell 'Both Sides Now' starts and continues.]

NARRATOR: And that's pretty much how thatsummer went.

Clips of Arnold family barbeque

NARRATOR: I guess it was may last summer ofpure unadulterated childhood.

['Home movie' clips of street football andbaseball, WAYNE beating KEVIN's shoulder. Final clip of KEVINand PAUL walking up street, camerasettleson Brian's car as they walk past.] [End music.]

INT. DAY. KEVIN's BEDROOM.

[Close up of cover of book 'Our Bodies, Our Selves'.] [Tommy James & Shondells: 'Crystal Blue Persuasion' plays on radioas Kevin and Paul are looking at the book 'Our Bodies, Our Selves.']

NARRATOR: This was it. The last night ofsummer.

[Camera pulls back to show KEVIN andPAULsitting on the bed looking at the book.]

PAUL: Holy cow!

KEVIN: Try not to drool on it. If Karenfinds out we have this, she'll kill me.

NARRATOR: Paul and I had decided the bestway to prepare for junior highschool girls was to look at them naked.

[NORMA knocks on door and enters. PAULtries to hide the book behind him.]

NORMA: Paul, your mother called. She wantsyou to come home right away.

PAUL: OK. [PAUL starts to walkout of bedroom. He pauses and turns.]

PAUL: Well, I guess I see you at bus-stop.

KEVIN: Yeah!

PAUL: Last night I had a dream that whenI got to school I realized I had no clothes on.

KEVIN: If you're naked when you get tobus-stop, I'll tell ya.

PAUL: Thanks. [He hesitates again.]Do you know what you're going to wear?

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KEVIN: Paul, I have no idea.

NARRATOR: Actually, I had been planningmy wardrobe for about six weeks.

INT. DAY. ARNOLD HOUSE.

[KEVIN enters into the kitchen, wearing a loud shirt and bellbottoms(for his first day at junior high school). JACK and KAREN sitat the kitchen table. NORMA is beside them. JACK, KAREN, andNORMA stare at KEVIN.]

NORMA [concerned]: You're not gonna wear that toschool are you?

KEVIN[sarcastically]: No mom, I got a job as amale model.

[WAYNE enters, looks at KEVIN, then bursts intolaughter.]

EXT. DAY. BUS STOP.

[KEVIN is standing at the bus stop.]

KEVIN[to PAUL]: Don't worry about it, youlook fine.

[Camera pans to include PAUL. He is wearing a bad outfit,and carries a violin case.]

[PAUL fishes in his pocket.]

PAUL: Let me see our class schedule one more time.

KEVIN: No.

NARRATOR: He was gonna have to get a gripon himself. This was the junior high bus stop.

[Camera pulls back to include WAYNEmeasuring boys tongues with a ruler.]

NARRATOR: And if we were gonna hold ourown with the older kids we were gonna have to act mature.

[WAYNE measures PAUL, then smackshim on the head. Two older girls walk past camera.]

NARRATOR: We seemed to have something ofa height disadvantage, but we did out best to fit in.

[KEVIN and PAUL turn tolook after the girls, with their tongues out. They spot a girl (Winnie)in the distance walking toward the bus stop.]

KEVIN [with tongue out]: Hooth that?

NARRATOR: What an incredible stroke ofluck, a new kid. A helpless waif would be even more lost than we were,a helpless waif in fishnet tights and gogo boots.

[Shot of WINNIE joining KEVIN and PAUL.]

WINNIE: Hi Kevin. Hi Paul.

PAUL[amazed]: Winnie Cooper?

WINNIE: Gwendolyn. I don't want to be called Winnie anymore,my real name is Gwendolyn.

NARRATOR: Well, there was no question now,we were entering uncharted territory. Even the familiar was cloaked inthe vestments of the devil. Junior high school was a whole new ball ofwax.

EXT. DAY. RFK JUNIOR HIGH.

[KEVIN, PAUL, and hundreds of other kids are enteringthe school. KEVIN and PAUL walk past worker changing schoolsign.]

NARRATOR: Like about half the schools inthe country that year my school was being renamed Robert F. Kennedy JuniorHigh. As we approached those doors for the first time, we felt we wereapproaching the portals of manhood.

INT. DAY. HOME ROOM.

[KEVIN is sitting at his desk in home room. He is sittingbetween ERIC and GAIL who are holding hands and staring atone another admiringly.]

NARRATOR: Home Room. I sat between Eric Antonio and Gail Aslanian.They had met on the bus and had taken a liking to each other.

ERIC: I love you.

GAIL: I love you too.

[ERIC and GAIL move in to kiss. KEVIN interrupts.]

KEVIN: And I love you both, but I'm having a little trouble breathinghere.

NARRATOR: I was about to have my firstsexual experience, and I wasn't even one of the principal players.

[GAIL and ERIC resume their positions.]

[MRS. RITVO knocks against the desk. ERIC and GAILseparatein a hurry.]

[Shot from KEVIN's perspective. MRS. RITVO glares atKEVIN.]

MRS. RITVO: Kevin Arnold, you're Wayne's brother, aren't you?[She frowns.]

KEVIN: Well, well according to my mother, yes. But my own theoryis...

MRS. RITVO: You've got a tough row to hoe young man, a toughroad to hoe.

KEVIN[quietly]: Yes.

INT. DAY. SCHOOL CORRIDOR.

[Camera shoot down row of lockers. KEVIN is starting toopen his locker as DEBBIE ACKERMAN walk up to hers in foreground.]

NARRATOR: The first major accessory ofadulthood, our own lockers. I couldn't believe my good fortune.

[DEBBIE looks a him and smiles.]

NARRATOR: Two lockers down from mine wasDebbie Ackerman, one of the prime knockouts of the seventh grade.

[KEVIN bashes the door of his locker against his head as heopens it. DEBBIE smiles in amusement.]

NARRATOR: There was only one problem.

[A student moves to the locker between them.]

NARRATOR: Charles Manson had the lockerbetween us. A seventh grader with a beard - this wasn't junior high school,it was a freak show. I hoped none of the girls would have beards.

(Editor's note: The following scene in red is not shown in some rerunsto make up time for the commercials.)

GUY: What's you locker combination?

KEVIN: Well, I appreciate your asking,but actually they told us we're not supposed to tell anyone.

[The guy picks KEVIN up and presseshim againt the lockers.]

[KEVIN indicates the paper in his hand.]

KEVIN: Here you go.

GUY: If anyone finds out about these...

[He puts a knife, then some pot, into KEVIN'slocker.]

GUY:...I'll know who told.

KEVIN: Who?

NARRATOR: It was my only thought. MaybeI could trick him...

[Shot of guy thinking.]

GUY: You...You! That's who!

KEVIN: Oh, right.

[Bell rings.]

INT. DAY. GYM.

[KEVIN and other seventh graders are standing in the middle ofthe gym. Coach CUTLIP is lecturing them about gym class.]

NARRATOR: In one of those quirks of schedulingmy first class was gym. This meant that I had to wake up in the morning,shower, get dressed, go to school, get undressed, run around, shower andget dressed all in the space of about 45 minutes.

CUTLIP: Well, people. A lot of you probably think this is gymclass, huh?

NARRATOR: I was overwhelmed by a suddenpanic. Things hadn't been going that well so far but if this wasn't gymclass I was in bigger trouble than I thought.

CUTLIP: Well it's not. People, it's physical educationclass. Through those doors they educate your minds. In here, I educateyour bodies. I'm an educator, okay? A body educator.

[Camera pans boys.]

NARRATOR: Of course, we didn't realizeit at the time, but this guy had the biggest inferiority complex sinceNapoleon.

CUTLIP: People, when you leave this class, you're gonna havesmart bodies. Smart [he thumps stomach], smart bodies.

NARRATOR: He went on educating our bodiesfor about half an hour. By the time he'd finished I was ready to let myleg take a math test.

CUTLIP: One more thing people, before you do your laps, the jockstrap: A, what is it? and B, what can it do for you?

[CUTLIP looks down at his list of students.]

CUTLIP: Arnold.

[KEVIN takes a half-step, and straightens up.]

NARRATOR: This was it. I felt like a fighterpilot under heavy enemy fire.

KEVIN[unsure]: Well, the jock strap, sir, is aparticular type of strap that's constructed of a strap type material whichis utilized exclusively for the purposes of jocks.

[Sound effect of diving airplane. Shot of KEVIN waiting forreply. Shot of CUTLIP deep in thought as the sound gets louder.CUTLIPglances away.]

[Shot of boys fliching at sound of airplane crashing.]

INT. DAY. CAFETERIA.

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[KEVIN and PAUL carry their trays and look for a table to sitat in the cafeteria.]

NARRATOR: Lunch, at last, something I figuredeven I couldn't screw up.

PAUL: Where do you want to sit?

KEVIN: Anywhere. Let's just sit here.

[KEVIN and PAUL sit down at a table.]

NARRATOR: A suburban junior high schoolcafeteria is like a microcosm of the world. The goal is to protect yourself,and safety comes in groups. You have your cool kids, you have your smartkids, you have your greasers, and in those days, of course, you had yourhippies. In a fact in junior high school, who you are is defined less bywho you are than by who's the person sitting next to you ...

[Shot of PAUL sucking spaghetti.]

NARRATOR: ... a sobering thought.

KEVIN[to PAUL]: Try to look like you'rehaving fun.

[Shot of WINNIE in distance, looking for a place to sit. Sheapproaches KEVIN and PAUL.]

WINNIE: Hi. Do you guys mind if I sit with you?

KEVIN: Sure, Winnie. [Music 'Winnie's Theme' starts.]

NARRATOR: We were on our way. Our groupwas forming. And Winnie, I mean, Gwendolyn, was not chop liver. Who knows,maybe we even had an outside chance to become the cool seventh grade group,if we could just remain inconspicuous until we picked up a few more members.

[WAYNE, at another table with friend STEVE, spotsKEVIN, PAUL and WINNIE. He approaches them.]

WAYNE: Hey Steve, it looks like my baby brother and his girlfriendhave found each other.

KEVIN: She's not my girlfriend.

[WAYNE looks at KEVIN but talks to WINNIE.]

WAYNE[to WINNIE]: He thinks you are socute.

KEVIN [trying to control his anger]: I don't thinkshe's cute.

WAYNE: He wants to give you a big... wet... kiss.

[Shot of WINNIE.]

[WAYNE makes sucking noises and turns to WINNIE.]

WAYNE: He told me.

[KEVIN stands up.]

KEVIN: You liar, I never said that! I don't want to kiss her,I don't even like her!

[KEVIN picks up his apple and walks briskly to exit the cafeteria.He is stopped by MR. DIPERNA who is standing by the exit.]

MR. DIPERNA: Young man.

[MR. DIPERNA indicates a sign which says 'POSITIVELYNO FOOD OUTSIDE THE CAFETERIA'. KEVIN looks at the sign.]

MR. DIPERNA: What does that sign say? Hmm? You take that applethrough that door and you're asking for detention.

[KEVIN defiantly releases himself from MR. DIPERNA's gripand marches through the exit. He is followed by MR. DIPERNA.]

MR. DIPERNA: Young man!

[MR. DIPERNA grabs KEVIN.]

MR. DIPERNA: I think we have a problem.

NARRATOR: He was right, there was a problem.

KEVIN: Oh yeah, the apple.

MR. DIPERNA: That's right, the apple.

KEVIN: You wanted it inside the cafeteria.

MR. DIPERNA: That's right.

KEVIN: And now it's outside the cafeteria.

MR. DIPERNA: That's right.

NARRATOR: Conversation was getting stale.I asked myself 'Now, what would a guy like Brian Cooper do in this situation?'.

[KEVIN looks at MR. DIPERNA, then throws the appleback into the cafeteria. Sound of silverware flying and a girl screams.MR. DIPERNA gives KEVIN a withering look.]

KEVIN: Umm, uhh, if you want, I could get that.

[MR. DIPERNA hooks KEVIN by the neck.]

INT. DAY. MR. DIPERNA'S OFFICE.

[KEVIN is being questioned by his mother and MR. DIPERNAregardingthe apple.]

NORMA [sternly]: Well, Kevin, perhaps we shouldstart by asking you to explain what in god's name moved you to do whatyou did.

NARRATOR: I wanted to tell them that Wayneembarrassed me, that the other kids were laughing, that Mr. Diperna hadplayed power games with me, that Winnie had seen the whole thing and thatshe'd been wearing pink fishnets and gogo boots.

KEVIN: I dunno.

NORMA: 'I dunno?' That's all you have to say? 'I dunno?'

MR. DIPERNA: Kevin, the question is, what did you hope to achieveby throwing an apple into a cafeteria?

KEVIN (V/O): No butthead, the questionis why do you have a brain the size of a baby pea?

NORMA: Kevin? Mr. Diperna just asked you a question. What didyou hope to achieve by throwing that apple into the cafeteria?

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KEVIN (V/O): World peace.

NORMA: Kevin!?

KEVIN: Nothing.

MR. DIPERNA: Well, Kevin, that's exactly what you did achieve,nothing. Now, I'm going to let you go without any further punishment. ButI want you to know that I'll be keeping my eye on you. Do you understandthat?

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NORMA: Kevin? Do you understand that?

KEVIN: Yes.

JACK: I'd like to take him home now. [Simon and Garfunkle's'Mrs. Robinson starts.]

EXT. DAY. ARNOLD CAR.

[KEVIN is sitting in the back seat of the car, worried aboutwhat lies ahead.]

NARRATOR: In my twelve and a half years,my father had never struck me. But he'd given Wayne a beating, twice, andI recognized that glazed look in his eyes. Besides, maybe I deserved it.

EXT. DAY. ARNOLD HOUSE.

[The car, with NORMA, JACK, and KEVIN inside, approachesthe driveway.]

NARRATOR: There really is no good excusefor hurling food around the cafeteria. He probably figured that if he laiddown the law now I'd stay in line, and he was probably right. Anyway, Icould take the pain. I decided I'd just shut my eyes and imagine it wasWayne.[Music ends]

[NORMA, JACK, and KEVIN get out of the car.]

JACK[to KEVIN]: Come on, inside.

[JACK is holding KEVIN's arm and neck.]

NARRATOR: And then it happened, I thinkwe were about halfway to the front porch.

[KAREN and WAYNE approach JACK, NORMA, andKEVIN. They appear on verge of tears.]

[Shot of KAREN.]

KAREN: Brian Cooper was killed.

NORMA: Oh my god. When did they find out?

[KAREN shakes her head.]

NORMA: I'm gonna call Evelyn and see if there's anything I cando. Oh my god, poor Evelyn...

[NORMA hurries into the house.]

[Shot of WAYNE.]

[Shot of JACK.]

[JACK looks down and squeezes KEVIN's shoulder.]

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[KEVIN looks up at JACK.]

EXT. EVENING. RESIDENTIAL STREET.

[Camera shoots down empty sidewalk. KEVIN walks past camera intoscene.]

NARRATOR: That night I decided to go fora walk. The days were still long and back then kids could still go forwalks at dusk without the fear of ending up on a milk carton. I went downto the big climbing tree in Harper's Woods. I didn't admit it to myselfuntil years later but in my mind was the shadow of a thought that Winniemight be there.

[KEVIN sees WINNIE, who is sitting on a rock next tothe big climbing tree.]

NARRATOR: She was sort of hugging herself,and rocking slowly back and forth. There was a bit of a chill in the airand she didn't have a sweater. For a minute I was scared to approach her.

[WINNIE looks at KEVIN. KEVIN approaches.]

NARRATOR: I didn't know what to say. [KEVINsits next to her.]I had the strangestfeeling. It was impossible for me to believe that Brian was dead.

KEVIN: I'm sorry, about Brian, and I'm sorry about what I saidtoday - it wasn't true.

WINNIE: I know. [She looks off and hunches up. KEVINlooks at her a few seconds.]

[KEVIN removes his sweater and places it around WINNIE'sshoulders. He puts his arm around her.]

[They sit a few seconds.]

[She turns toward him.]

[They move in and kiss.] [Music: 'When AMan Loves A Woman' starts.]

(Editor's remark: This was Danica McKellar's first kiss, see interview. She was 12 at that time.)

NARRATOR: It was the first kiss for bothof us. We never really talked about it afterward. But I think about theevents of that day again and again.

[KEVIN and WINNIE hug.]

NARRATOR: And somehow I know that Winniedoes too, whenever some blowhard starts talking about the anonymity ofthe suburbs or the mindlessness of the TV generation.

[Camera starts to pull up and back.]

NARRATOR: Because we know that inside eachone of those identical boxes, with its Dodge parked out front and its whitebread on the table and its TV set glowing blue in the falling dusk, therewere people with stories, there were families bound together in the painand the struggle of love.

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[Image freezes. Picture fades to sepia tones.]

NARRATOR: There where moments that madeus cry with laughter, and there were moments, like that one, of sorrowand wonder.

CLOSING TITLES

This transcript compiled by Shayne Lennox. Words replaced by four asterisksi.e. ****, could not be correctly identified. Can you fill in the gaps?Pleasemail to reynders@merck.de Peterif you find any errors, or if you have any comments or suggestions.